note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize