Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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