You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
