I will die if light touches me.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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