The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
