I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Text me some of your sweat
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize