he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
