I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
