You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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