I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
