My room smells like vodka and shame
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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