I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
