and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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