I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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