Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
