haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
