I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
