some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
