sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
