Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
