im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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