Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
just found out that she named her cat after me.
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So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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