I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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