We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
