Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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