here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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