my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
