I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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