You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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