They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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