So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
