i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
