I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
