Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
