2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
