just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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