4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
