at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
