You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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