Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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