a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
