There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
