God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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