For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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