Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
