I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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