Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
