forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
