U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
