we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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