There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
