This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
